Joufy's Blog

2004-09-07T01:29:00.000-03:00

I think my heart is going to explode. I've fallen into the most beautiful life I've ever known. It feels like my heart just bloomed, it's fully open and I've never been this happy. I never knew how many amazing things could happen in such a short amount of time. It's odd how you feel when you have what you've been looking for. When you wake up every morning and there are no second guesses, doubts, or feelings of deep remorse. There's nothing but sheer happiness. I feel the most amazing clam. As you can see by this entry I don't seem to be able to put anything into words, but my life is perfect right now so I'm sure the words will fall into place. Everything else has beautifully.

2004-08-23T21:50:00.000-03:00

It's been a while since I posted here. Frankly, nothing has been coming to my mind into now. This past week has been a whirlwind of excitement and new things. I started talking to an old friend I knew in Grade 10 and we instantly connected. I feel something in my heart I've never felt before. We're going on a date this week and it will be my first real date. I've had a few boyfriends, but it was always an agreement on going out, not going on a date and taking things from there.

We went over to his grandparents house this afternoon. They live a few houses away from me so we thought if we dropped by we could get some good Indian food for supper. There was no such luck but it was still interesting to visit. I love looking at other people's bookshelves. His grandparents had a huge one with a ton of interesting looking books. If I had time I would have tried to read through some of every one.

2004-08-04T23:53:00.000-03:00

I was thinking today that I haven't been thinking enough lately.

2004-08-01T23:40:00.000-03:00

Today was amazing. We went swimming in the lake by my house. It's an awesome lake and no one swims in it because there's no way to get there without trekking through fifteen minutes worth of thick woods and fallen trees. When you acutally find the lake, good luck locating somewhere to swim. There's no beach and the most of the shoreline has a lot of sharp rocks and weeds. Brian found the perfect place. There is a huge tree growing sideways out over the lake with a rope tied on one high branch. You can swing out into the lake or just jump off the tree. This place has no weeds and the water is way over our heads just beneath the tree.

Tomorrow Brian's going to bring a dingy and kirk an inflatable lawn chair. It'll make for some good swimming.

2004-07-29T23:20:00.000-03:00

Right now I'm really feeling like a nothing. What I mean is I realize I'm living and breathing, but what am I? Since I've lost the will to write I really have nothing and today is feels like I have no one as well. Who am I really? I'd like to think there's something special about me that other people can see and identify me with right away, but more and more I feel like the "plain old girl". So, I have no defining point. Enstien was a genuis, Bush says stupid things and I'm not really much of anything outstanding at all.

I wonder if people mock me behind me back. Say things like, "Jessica said the stupidest thing the other day" or "Christ, she pisses me off". What would it matter anyway if people want to be asstards. On the inside how comfortable are we with ourselves? I hope this moment of doubt passes.

I was reading some of my old writing. So fill your boots, indulge in my glorious past. Actually, don't.

2004-07-29T14:49:00.000-03:00

I don't feel like floating on anymore. This week has just crashed and burned becomming a flaming wreck. I might as well keep going down with it. I had a dream last night I was crying in someone's arms. I can't remember who because there is no one. I need university to come and take me away from this.

I'm crawling into a large hole now, there's a phone on the floor so you can call me if you know my phone number.

2004-07-27T19:02:00.000-03:00

Wow. The last few days have consisted of playing almost constant Mario Party 5. What an amazing game. Too bad I suck at it.

2004-07-24T23:22:00.000-03:00

What a day. By the time I woke up this morning it was time to get ready for work. So I did just that. Today was the slowest day in work history, or at least it just felt like that. I started doing mindless busy work just to fill up the minutes. I was tearing off labels on things and making new ones just to entertain myself. Then I started dusting. You know things are really boring when you have to start dusting to have fun. Well the workday is over and now I have time to relax and eat these here marshmellow coookies.

I've been writing a lot lately. I'm undertaking a new type of blogging endevour. A side blog, if you will. It's mainly just about my writing and that damn struggle I'm having with it. I know, I know, how can I fill two blogs with that much boring rambling on? Well I can and I will.

2004-07-23T11:51:00.000-03:00

I deleted that last post because, really, I'm not that mad anymore.

2004-07-19T14:39:00.000-03:00

The summer makes me feel so lazy. There's not much writing I really want to do. Even if I find something I want to write or think of a prolific thought there's no time to write it down.

2004-07-16T23:34:00.000-03:00

Churches aren't open all the time like in movies and on tv. Maybe that's why I never have the answers I need.

2004-07-16T09:09:00.000-03:00

I'm back from Hawaii and home again. I love being home. I missed the fog and stubby little trees. My mom said she even missed the swamps alongside the airport highway. I missed those too. I love this damp cold wheather. How can anyone live in so much heat? Hawaii was amazing. I was able to eat Sushi and Ramen almost everyday. I'll tell more about it when the jetlag wears off.

Writer's block is gone. I exploded and wrote five pages in half an hour or so.

2004-07-03T22:35:00.000-03:00

My heart is crying. There are very few words in this soul tonight.

2004-07-03T00:56:00.000-03:00

I had a very powerful though but it seems to have escaped me. That little geisha book is driving my batty. It's empty pages taunt me. I had the perfect story idea, but I don't think I turned it over in my head enough to remember it funny.

I remember a girl's rosey cheeked face. She was so young. I could tell by how unevenly the makeup settled on her face. She was one of those inaccurate girls. The ones who's hair is always sloppy and stringy. Her fingernails are always bitten down to red stubs and every seam of her clothing crooked. Or was she beautiful? With one of those perfect winter coats and a warm woolen scarf. Did her hot breath burrow holes into the air as sharp and cold an icicles.

Do you remember how the snow sounded in winter on the coldest mornings? Each footstep echoed in the bottom of your ear, like cold water running over your face, or a hot flame on the tips of your fingers. It was a shock. But you become accustomed and need the reassuring squeak to let deeper thoughts tumble about inside your head.

I want to be that girl, her and everything beautiful I can think of inside me. No matter how many times I think of aloneness as comforting there's always someone I care about to bring me back into reality.

It is so late and I do need to get up early.

I wrote once that a soul cried out in hearbeats. Maybe mine finds its way out in words?

2004-06-27T21:11:00.000-03:00

Today was a beautiful beautiful day.

Here's what's in my little Geisha journal so far:

"Has there ever been an author who didn't write a dedecation? How lonely would that be"

2004-06-26T23:26:00.000-03:00

I bought the Pilate CD. I think that's what's in my heart.

2004-06-25T16:44:00.000-03:00

Graduation was amazing! I'll miss everyone so much!

2004-06-24T22:51:00.000-03:00

So my crush has ended. We're best off as good friends. Isn't that always the way? I'm not upset at all.

2004-06-22T15:55:00.000-03:00

Prom tonight! Want to see my hair? Well here you go!

Woopee! Hoorah! I can't wait. I'm gonna dance, and dance, and dance!!

2004-06-17T22:43:00.000-03:00

Finally school is over. When I mean over, I mean forever. It's such a weird feeling to have completely left all the little bits of childhood behind, school being the very last of it.

I bought a little spiral notebook at Winner's today. It has a picture of a geisha on the front of it. The photography credit says "Circa 1905". She's probably dead by now. I wonder if she even imagined what would become of her picture. How could she know it would end up in massive distribution. It's also the picture on the front of the book, "Memoirs of a Geisha". Did she live to see World War I? What about World War II? If she did I bet she would have taken all her cheapest kimono and sewed them into work clothes that she could wear to the factory to help with the war effort. I bet she would have. She's dead. I can't comprehend death. When I see video on TV of people who have died I never think of them as dying. I suppose I never think of anyone on TV as feeling anything. They just make me feel, not the other way around.

I was laying in the tub the other night trying to think of something prolific that would be good to write. Before, when I was in the shower I had wondered if when you laid on the bottom of the shower that was how grass felt. The most I could think of while in the tub was, "Is this how grass feels during a flood?". Not very good at all.

I hope I can fill the little notebook with all my writing.

2004-06-09T08:05:00.000-03:00

How appropriate to start this morning off with a nosebleed in the school bathroom. The fresh taste of blood running down my throat was like a breakfast energy drink all in itself.

I worked again last night. It's gotten to be less nerve-wrecking now. I still like my breaks the best. I wander around the mall or get a McDonald's happy meal with a toy. I have two of the stuffed Neopets now. They really should put an age restriction on Happy Meals, it's people like me who take all the good toys from the kids.

Correction, I don't like my breaks the best of all, I like ringing things in the best. Swiping the cards is really very fun.

Yesterday, I wrote something. Something real. I'll put it up here in a few days. It's just rambling thoughts really, but it was on real paper and written with a real pen.

2004-06-04T22:41:00.000-03:00

I can't believe it's Friday already. This week has been amazing, the best week in memory. It feel so great to have my friends back. I feel so awful I ever left them. They're so alive.

I want to talk to a minister, just so I can get things straitened out. I want to know what's really right. I'll take the facts and decide for myself. No guilt this time, no pressure.

This summer will amazing, I know. I started my job this week. I work at a hair salon in guest services. It's fun and easy work. Too much standing though.

I'll come back and write when I have a little more time. I've only got about fifteen minutes then I have to go to bed get up again and go to work. I also have to do an overdue English project, buy a prom dress, buy work clothes, and see Shrek 2.

2004-05-31T10:43:00.000-03:00

There's only ten days left until this school year is over, that's ten days until I graduate. I never thought I would graduate. When I think about the future I always imagine myself dying tragically before I ever reach my goals. It doesn't seem like I could even be alive tomorrow to present my English seminar or ten days from now to graduate. I'm not suicidal, just not good at visualizing things finally happening for me.

I won't miss high school at all. I'll be so happy to get out of this hellhole.

It's been a beautifully odd weekend. My parents were in Vancouver for my Mother's graduation so we've been home alone. The house seems so stoic and clean. With the rain all weekend, only outside seemed alive as we laid watching TV.

I missed them.

2004-05-29T15:50:00.000-03:00

I don't remember what writing feels like, I mean what it really feels like.

On sex and the city last night they said if you stop having sex and hope for your true love, that waiting becomes a downhill slide to menopause. Maybe sex is like writing. Once you stop and just wait for inspiration to hit, that big wonderful idea, nothing will ever come again. I can't remember the feelings involved. Was there crying? Smiling? Pain? I thought to myself before that I'd like to hold off the writing until I had a little more life experience under my belt. Life has thrown everything at me in the last year and here I am having survived ten years worth of compounded life experience yet there's still nothing. Do you think it's the rain?

Maybe I'm not an writer, maybe I'm just an observer with the mind of a writer. It's been so long I've forgotten all that I ever wrote, all those fanciful little stories and novel undertakings. Who knows, maybe there was just enough doubt in that critical tone of yours to make me want to forget it all.

Well I won't. I'll work so hard at this and gain what I lost back.

2004-05-28T23:22:00.000-03:00

What a long day. I'm not quite sure wha to say. Every profound thought I've had int he past three days has magically been sucked out of my head.

I thought of something wonderful the other night, but I forgot it. I love how wonderful laying in bed feels, I wish I could sleep all day.

2004-05-26T20:40:00.000-03:00

I feel like writing now.

I have never felt happier than right now, right here. How is that possible? How can I wake up in the morning now and feel so loved? It's simple, because I am. It's because I'm not letting myself be dragged into something where you only see the shadows of love, where love is sick and disgusting. I've been silent long enough in my writing about this. I could start at the beginning and I could tell you how I fell in love and found God all in one throw. I'm counting on the fact that he won't even glance my way, won't even want to read this. Why? I'm the apostate blogger. Do you think I'm going against God? How can I be? How can I serve your God who wants me to hurt my family so much. How can I serve a God that wants me to subject, that wants arrogant selfish worship. I can't do that because the real God wouldn't want that. Go ahead, say I'm doomed, I'm lost, that I've fallen away. I'm like that bird who everyone thinks is falling from its nest, but I open my wings at the last second and fly away. I feel so alive now, even breathing makes me happy.

At first I felt sick inside that you were still stuck in it. I could care less now. Pitter you life away in your own arrogant puddle. It's wrong on so many levels, who you are and what you do. It's sick what you claim to do. How can you save lives? How are you even fit to teach anyone?

Do you know what I'm talking about? Well here's the blaspheme, here's the kicker. I'm sick of you and I'm angry. Take your Watchtower magazines, those closed eyes of yours that hand out books called "Awake!", and cast them on someone else. Suck someone else in. That's who I feel sorry for, those with lonely hearts and a naivete so kind they'll follow you. How awake are you?

Do you know what I did today? I smiled all day, I felt so happy. I love myself, and I love my dreams. I doubt you even did. What did you want me for? A prize, a wife, a convert? Wouldn't that be fitting, "Lone male converts young girl, congregation gives applause, couple marries, male becomes elder, woman jumps in front of car."

My teacher said history is alive, I thought it would be like afternoon sunlight that pours in focussing on a slice of a chair, a table, a dry fern. I am so alive and so full of living sunlight. I can feel it in the morning against the palm of my hand, filling the cracks in my fingers, into my veins and up to my heart.

2004-05-26T11:45:00.000-03:00

Here I am. I just returned from my trip to Minneapolis yesterday. I slept through most of the day when I got home and then worked on my History essay until 2am.

Would you like to hear a breakdown of the trip or would you like to hear about today? I think I'll do both, they are fresh in my memory. I've decided to devote my lunch hours to blogging, there's not much else to do and I don't need the food anyway.

For every leg of the trip to Minneapolis I wished I had brought a camera. We stayed right downtown, only a block from the Mississippi river. Everything was so historic, the old buildings were all brick and the new ones glass. Everything about Minneapolis was beautiful, even the smell of the sewer wafting out into the night. As a Canadian, there's something unerving about walking around a large American city. For an instant you can forget you're not in Canada anymore. Not much is different until you see an American flag flapping in the wind. There's still a fear though, just because it is American.

We did a lot of walking and formed routines. We visited the same stores and streets, and kept to our familiar paths. There was one building I loved the look of. It was one of the tallest in the skyline and at the very top was a round helicopter pad that stuck out from the rest of the building. At nighttime it looked like a halo. In a thick mist we had one night, the buildings were glowing, some had lines of lights shooting upwards like a ruler set against the building.

I think I've changed. Tomorrow I'll do a day by day of what happened in Minneapolis, for now here's a picture of the Halo Building.

I've added two amazing blogs, Kevin Luiken's Blog and the blog A brand new day.

2004-05-21T08:26:00.000-03:00

Well, I'm off to Minneapolis until Tuesday! Hooray for The Mall of America!

2004-05-19T19:59:00.000-03:00

I wish writing for me was so collapsed and uniform as Carrie's is on Sex and the City. I love her inner voice.

There's something about that last year of high school that's special. I think it's when you learn life's most important lessons, that is, if you're lucky enough too. I've learned that it's important to be yourself and to be sure that's really you. It's important to let yourself go as well. We all need to explore ourselves, our world. Don't we? I can't believe I've thought the world ugly for so many months. How could I ever frown at a sunset, miss beauty of fog and how it smells like the ocean?

I've started my blog over because I'm starting over. No matter what anyone says I know God was smiling yesterday, I felt it. Then I felt myself alive, like a release. We can't be happy if our whole heart isn't in something, especially if it's your core beliefs. I'm being terribly vague, but it's the best way to be.

I'm upset to find out the horse farm across the lake from us is abandoned. I won't be able to see horses playing the field from the computer room window. I'm supposed to be doing an essay right now but I can't think of anything to put down.

Sorry to all of your who commented and whose comments were deleted. I promise I'll post more often in the future.

2004-05-19T11:52:00.000-03:00

Starting this over.